Today is Jan. 2nd, 2011 can you believe it? I don't know if I can or not in some ways.
But at any rate it is here so it really doesn't matter when it comes right down to it, does it?
I left work thursday at 4:30 p.m. and ran errors, went to see my mother at the nursing
home and she was in one of those moods...where she gets so mad at me for any reason,
no reason, what ever reason and starts to hit, bite, kick what ever she can do at me to me,
curses me and of course everything is my fault! So I helped the nurse give her the meds.
It was time for and then I left. I am learning it's ok for me to leave when my mother does
her acting out/up or what ever it is called. I do have to admit about half of the time she doesn't
know what she's doing because of the dementia she has, but then there are other times
that she does know exactly what she is doing and she does take full advantage of it! She use
to with me, but I realized what was going on and not the biggest part of the time, she does it with
my dad, because he still believes she really doesn't know what she doing at any time! Even the
nurses have told him she does here and there like I have. But he doesn't want to believe it I think!
( I call it having a moment) when she knows what she's doing, because she is in the moment and
knows what is going on and even if she still can't talk very good...believe me you do get the jest
of what she is staying or trying to say!
It is hard to believe in one way that in March it will be 2 yrs. since mother had her heart attack
and double stroke. It has been a very long 2 yrs. and I know it isn't going to get any better, infact
it is getting worse and I have to wonder and question about her quality of life, by that I mean there are thousands of other people in the world that is going through the same thing my mother is and the what
kind or type of quality of life do they have? It actually has to be like my mother's and that is really NONE! How can anyone call this any kind of a life these people are going through? They don't know or understand for the most part, so how are they to learn anything from this or get right with their maker/creator if they can't think straight or at all? They can't find the words to be able to talk when they are able to speak...they search for words they know they are suppose to know but honestly haven't a clue what, why, when, where! These people do not have any quality of life and this is very sad to me, I can't help my mother, except for washing her clothes, making sure she does not want for anything, (which most of the time she doesn't know anyway if she does or not)! To make sure she is taken care of at the nursing home...(and believe me most of the time when it comes to my mother these people need a metal taking care of her, because she is totally something)!
"I am learning I can only do what I can do, and I am not SUPER WOMAN!"
I had a four day wk-end and that was so great, I was going to get so much done but as usual I didn’t get hardly anything done. My dad hurt himself and so I have been taking care of him all wk-end and trying to get him to go to the ER but no he wants to be stubborn about everything, so I finally gave up and said what
ever you want to do just let me know.
I have been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out how much of me I need to change (for the better) and how much of me is more or less ok, I don't need to change so much but work on more. I do know what my faults are and I try to work on them every day, but honestly I don't make it like I would like to, but I do try and I do work on them, they are always in my thoughts. I do want to be a better person and to be a good example for my kids and grandkids! I have stopped trying to work so hard to prove to my dad that I am the kind of person he thinks or wants me to be or should be...I know after years of trying so hard I will never make it and I have finally adjusted to that fact and have came to peace with it! I have come to peace also about my mother and I have never been the child she wanted either! In their hearts there is only my brother and that is fine because I know the good Lord knows and my kids know and I don't have to worry about any one else!
So this year should prove to be a better year at least for me in the fact that I am the care taker of both my parents and I am truly doing the very best that I can in every way I can...I don't have to wonder,
worry or stress out so much any more because I can only do what I can do, the rest is in God's hand!
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