"American Indian the FORGOTTEN MINORITY "

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Knots Prayer

                               Dear God,    
                      Please untie the knots,
                      that are in my mind, my
                      heart and my life.

                     Remove the have nots,
                     the can nots, and the do nots,
                     that I have in my mind.

                     Erase the will nots,
                     the may nots, might nots,
                     that might find a home
                     in my heart.

                     Release me from the could nots, 
                     the would nots, and
                     the should nots,
                     that might obstruct my life.

                    And most of all
                              Dear God,
                    I ask that you remove my mind,
                    my heart and my life 'all of the am nots'
                    that I have allowed to hold me back,
                    especially the thoughts,
                    that I am not good enough.
                    (Author known to God)
                   This is such a beautiful prayer to me and
                    it honestly fits me!
                    I wish the author of this prayer had left
                    their name.

                    I was sent this prayer by someone that thinks I am a special person and that grew up in 
                    my neighborhood when I was in jr. high and high school, he came across this and said I
                    was the one he thought of when he read it and had to send it to me. I thanked him very much
                    for sending this to me because I love it so much! It seems to have been written for me because
                    it fits me to a T...with all of the "NOTS" I have carried with me through out my life! And here
                    someone was able to put them in a prayer (for me) is like they knew me.
                    So thank you to the person that wrote this and thank you to Pete for thinking of me and for 
                    telling me you think I am a special person and for sending me this prayer to me!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

First Snow in many years my way!

This is the first time it has snowed
in East Texas in many years,
especially like this.

I got between 8 and 10 ins. and had a blast
playing out in it.
My youngest son (36) finally came out to play with me in the snow. I kept bothering him so he gave in.


We went down to the cabin and I was hoping I would see some of the animals out in the snow but we couldn't get back to the back part so I don't know if any were out or not, but they weren't out in the upper part.

I have lived in areas where the snow was very deep and also when it snowed everything closed down
because you couldn't get any deliveries in or out! For three months no joke you couldn't get groceries or anything else, of course that was back in the late 50's and 60's but still I loved it.

If you have never lived in the places where it snows
you don't know what your missing. Yeah, there is
sometimes a lot of hassel that comes with it, but there is also a lot of beauty, and fun!

 But you get hassel when it rains alot to and have to
be out in it or the wind blowing an awful lot. I have
lived in all of the areas like this and ya learn to deal
with it.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Today's A Beautiful Day

Today has been a beautiful day for me because the weather was so pretty, sunny, light breeze, spring in the air and every where all is alive with buds, blooming flowers, plants and trees.
Green grasses looking like a beautiful thick lush green carpet everywhere you see. So many flowers coming to life in a rainbow of beautiful colors and the trees are blooming and some have already leaved out in the many different colors of greens.
"Gods work is so easy to see and to feel, Gods work is so beautiful and little things remind me of how "wondrously awesome" he is!" I need to see and feel that when things are so hard to deal with and I thank you Lord for letting me see and to feel it. I also thank you Lord for being with me in this
very trying time I'm going through and for giving me the strength that I need and for your help to keep me from breaking, I know I'm strong Lord but I feel my strength waning.
My mother isn't and will not get any better and the last
several weeks have been very hard on her and so hard on my dad and myself. I have finally gotten through with court and have received full guardian- ship over my mother.
A friend of mine said something to me a couple
days ago and shockingly no truer words were ever spoken when she said, "Well so your a first time mother...again" I had not thought of it like that with the full effect of those words when she said that! The sound of those words hit me like a ton of bricks, it is hard to explain how I felt and
the feelings that started to well up inside of me.
My dad is also having more and more problems
with his mind forgetting more or just not remembering or can't think straight and gets confused more. He is having more health problems and now has a hernia in one side of the incision from surgery he had back in Sept. and I found a knot in one side of his stomach yesterday when I was giving him a shot. It isn't a big knot, about the size of a marble and I am trying not to get / be scared or show him any fear and it is hard on top of everything else that is going on. The surgery he had in Sept. was his left kidney being removed because of a huge tumor in it and at the same time his spleen was ruptured and had to be removed also. Now the knot is on the same side and the hernia is growing too. And he is stressing big time about my mother and I can't make it any better no matter how hard I try!
Although I do know in my mind/brain that I can not make it better, in my heart I should be able to make it better some how, some way...this is how I feel. (This is part of life and I guess getting older!)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My mother and Dementia

For the last several weeks my mother has been going through a very difficult time I guess one could say. She has these moments where SHE DOES KNOW exactly what she is doing and saying and she cuts loose with everything and everyone she can...by that I mean she gets MEAN, HATEFUL, UGLY! She knows she is and she hits, bites, kicks, cusses, scratches and will get a hand full of your hair if she can and will pull as hard as she can, she will actually do her best to PULL IT PLUMB OUT!
Mother also knows that there are times when she does have trouble with her talking,walking, expressions of what she wants to say or tries to say; forming whole or complete sentences or and not being able to say a word or name something she is trying to, that there is something wrong with her and she doesn't fully understand at that time just what is going on with her, or she gets so frustrated that she can not figure out the things she wants to. I do know this is hard on her because there truly are times she does not understand and she does get very confused about everything, but as I said I do know she does know at times exactly what she is doing and the nurses at the nursing home where she is all agree with me. They are with her 24/7 month after month and they are going to know these things, but problem is my dad thinks that everything she does when she starts going to bing off the walls, is not her fault, that she really does not know what she is saying or doing even though he has been told by me and the nurses otherwise.
When a person has Dementia or Alzheimer it is so VERY HARD ON THE FAMILY MEMBERS! It is so hard to know what to do and not to do because any little bitty thing you say or do can really set them off! It is worse when you and the person that is sick has never had a good relationship and you're having to taking care of them! By that I mean I was never suppose to take care of my mother if something happened where she had to be taken care of (like now) and when the relationship between the both of you was never a good one and the both of you know it, it gets DAMNED RIGHT HARD TO BE THE CARETAKER OF SOMEONE LIKE THAT!

What are you suppose to do when something like this happens, how do you handle these things, are the decisions you make for them the best decisions to make or are they what needs to be done at the time so you make them and don't worry about it. That's what I do is worry about every blasted decision I have to make for her, I'm thinking totally of her, is this what she would have had done for herself if she were able? Is she going to think I am honestly doing my best in trying to take care of her and is everyone else also? I do not wish this job on anyone at all, it would be HARD ENOUGH even if the relationship was a GREAT one, but if it was not even a GOOD one, to begin with then and now here you are right smack in the middle of it and YOU'RE STILL GETTING BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING...WELL GUESS WHAT YOU ARE JUST SCREWED NO MATTER WHAT, and it doesn't matter if there are other family members, YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE ONE TO DO EVERYTHING, TAKE CARE OF EVERY THING, ISN'T THAT PARR FOR THE COURSE?
No one else is gonna step up to the plate to help WHY SHOULD THEY? My dad certainly can't do it, he is having a hard enough time trying to help me take care of him also, he health isn't good and here lately he has been having a great deal of trouble too. I have kids but it's not my kid's place and they have their families to take care of.
My mother's family is a REAL JOKE on all counts!!! So we all know for a fact no help there unless MONEY IS INVOLVED! (even then don't hold your breath). And that is so sad and so pathetic in every way! I was not ever supposed to take care of my mother, my father yes, not mother and I don't want to now I will not lie about it, but the main reason I don't now is because even though she is sick/ill however you want to say it, she still does me the way she always has, and what hurts so much is she KNOWS SHE IS DOING IT! I am the one there for her, to take care of her, to do the best that I can for her in every way and she is still kicking me in the teeth (and yep I do mean literally at times)!

I am still amongst all of this trying to work at my full-time job, I have lupus and the doctor keeps telling me NO STRESS... NO STRESS, you have got to get rid of the stress in your life! I have to tell you that, that was so good I laughed for a full week with that one, and even now it does give me a good laugh. I don't know of anyone especially nowadays that does not have stress in their lives of so form, shape or fashion. My mother will tell me at different times that she wants what I have...how does she get what I have?
My dad and I figured out what she meant one day when she had just gotten back out of the hospital again what she was talking about when she again said to me I want what you have, how do I get it, I want to believe like you do. I told her I still wasn't sure I understood what she was asking me but if she was asking me about my faith and my believing in God, she to could have it. All she needed to do was to Believe In Christ Jesus and put her Faith in him and ask for him to come into her life, to give her the Faith she needed and to pray to the Lord for his help and for his Grace. I couldn't tell her how to get what I have other than the way I did because I am still what some would say young in Christ myself.

Yes I was baptized when I was young and yes dad took us to church when he was home, but as so many do I stayed here and there but I have found my way back to God and the Lord, but I had help I didn't do it by myself, I had a very close friend at the time that more or less dragged me more times than not kicking and screaming to church and wouldn't give up on me. I honestly didn't know if my mother was saved or not and really still don't, she never took my brother and me to church when my dad was off working, she didn't do a lot of talking about church or the Bible or God.
But my mother was asking me how to get what I had and she wanted it...dad and I looked at each other and just started crying like babies. I told mother to tell God she would have to ask him to come into her heart, to help her, to have faith and to believe, and to pray he would answer her. She would know even with her being so sick. I told her I still screwed up a lot even as hard as I tried not to, I wasn't perfect. She wasn't perfect, no one was perfect except for Christ Jesus, he was the only one! I cried and I cried that day and for many days after that and so did my dad and I was so happy for my mother and for dad and myself.
That was kinda short lived as mother had another bad spell and went back into the hospital again and once again we almost lost her. When she got out I tried to read the Bible to her and talk to her and so did dad but she hasn't wanted any more to do with any conversation of that, she will let someone pray for her though, when they pray she gets well. My mother will never get well, there are many health problems but especially the Dementia will take its total on her and it seems like it is doing that more quickly now.

I will continue to do the best that I can in taking care of my mother even if she doesn't think that I am, I will also continue to take the best care of my dad that I can and I will try with all of my heart, body, and soul to be the best woman in Christ that I can although I know I will fall short at times, and at times my mouth over loads my hummingbird butt, and I will get so mad and upset at certain things especially dealing with my mother (and certain other people), I do pray the Lord will give me the patience, the peace, the grace, and faith I so desperately need now in my "need to be stress free life" (LOL) and help me to be that better person and Christian I NEED TO BE and WANT TO BE!

Friday, June 4, 2010

These pictures came from website www.terragalleria.com/Quang-TuanLoung


I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
**by Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918

I had to pick and recite a poem when I was in
Jr. High School and I searched and searched for
one that wasn't very long. It took me longer to
find a short poem then it did if I had just looked at
a few and picked one no matter how long it was and
memorized it and got it over with.

Well I guess there was a reason for going through all
that I did to find a poem and settling on this one.
It was short, I read it, I memorized it and I recited it
for class when I was suppose to and if I remember
correctly, I did make a decent grade on it.

I ended up re-reading this poem again and again so
that I would not make a mistake with it when I did
have to get up and recite it. This poem ended up being
the only one like it, because most of the others were of
more or less silly things or of things/subject matter that
the person giving it had no idea what they were saying
or was so long they could not even begin to remember
all it.

But this poem kind a hit me like a ton of bricks, and was
so ironically funny in the end of things, because it really
got me thinking about trees...all trees, any kind or type
of a tree. I had always liked trees as far back as I can
remember and this poem just more or less hit home for
me more on accident than any thing else and has stuck
with me from that very day to now.

Trees to me are so beautiful, they come in some many
different sizes, shapes, colors, with flowers and without.
The leaves or as different as stars in the sky and you can
just see at a glance how great God is and what God can do.
Trees can grow for years upon years upon years, they can
grow to be over 100 plus years old so easy and there are so
many uses for trees, uses that most people wouldn't even think
of, the so many different things that trees can be made into are
so mind boggling or to me it is anyway.

Trees are so very beautiful and are so meaningful not only
to us but to the planet as a whole! Twelve short little lines
to make a short little poem that isn't hard at all to remember,
but can give you such a magnitude meaning of a tree!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Serenity Prayer

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
u-ne-la-na-hi s-gv-si nv-wa-do-hi-ya-di o-s-da a-yi-li-di ni-ga-di
gv-gi-ne-tli-yv-s-di ni-ge-s-sv-na ge-sv-i

The courage to change the things I can,
a-le u-tla-ni-gi-da a-quu-da-na-da-di-s-di a-gi-ne-tli-yv-s-di na
gv-gi-ne-tli-yv-s-di ge-sv-i

and the wisdom to know the difference.
a-le a-ga-do-hv-ne-s-di a-quu-nv-da yu-li-s-do-si d-u-da-le-hna-v-i